It has been a while since I posted last. Probably about 7 weeks. I said I wasn't good at these things. A lot has happened since the first post. I will try to remember all that has happened.
About week 4 in the hospital and the Dr. set a date for the c-section. June 1, 2011. It was finally becoming a reality. A date. No one even thought that I would make it to 26 weeks let alone a date for a c-section. The excitement is rising. My mind has tricked me into thinking that since I have "made it this far" everything is good.
One long day after another. Visits and phone calls from friends and family help pass the time. The nurses here are great. They have taken great care of me, not that I required much, but everyone is kind and friendly. They monitor the baby twice a day for an hour. They tell me it all looks good on the monitor.
May 26, 2011 our world comes a part. I start having contractions about 30 min after I told the Dr. that I feel fine. He comes back to see me and schedules me for a c-section at 1 pm. (The contractions started about 9.) I have called Bruce and we have let our families know. I tell Bruce we aren't scheduled until 1 so take your time. Bruce comes around 10 and the contractions are strong, 4 min apart, then 1 min apart. Now we are moved up for the c-section! The nurses just keep telling me not to push. I didn't feel the need to push, but they were very nervous at how fast things were moving.
Noonish, I have sort of lost track of time, I am in the OR and getting the spinal. The c-section begins. I can tell something is wrong, it is taking too long. Finally they tell me we have a baby boy but I hear no crying. I keep asking why no crying as they briefly show him to me and wisk him off to the NICU. My Dr. is calling for blood for me, lots of it. I feel so much pain and want it to stop. Finally I am taken to the recovery room where things don't get any better. So much pain! I am fading in and out but notice lots of people around, more than there should be. The Dr. keeps pushing on me I scream for him to stop, to put me to sleep, anything to stop the pain. I now feel the bed rolling. Moving fast down long white hallways. We stop briefly and I see Bruce and my mom looking at me crying. I am taken away for an emergency hysterectomy. I was loosing too much blood. The Dr. told me later that he had to keep me in pain to keep my blood pressure up. 45/12 really made everyone very nervous. He also told me later that he tried everything to not have to do the hysterectomy, knowing how sick our little baby was. But he had no choice, the only way to save my life was to take away any chance of ever having another baby. 8 units of blood later I wake up in the ICU with so many tubes and wires coming out of me that I didn't know what to think.
Bruce comes in to talk to me. I feel like I can't talk. Our baby, Zac, has to be flown to Children's in Omaha. He has a heart defect and they don't treat that here in Lincoln. Bruce leaves to be with him. The next few hours are a blur. I have visitors, nurses, x-ray, lab, all sorts of people in and out. Bruce calls, says Zac is very sick. He has a lot of issues but his heart is not pumping the blood that is needed. His lungs are too weak to do heart surgery. We will have to wait. Zac's neonatologist happened to be a friend of Bruce's from college. God had Dr. Griebe on call just for us. We couldn't have gone through this without him. A man of God.
Friday comes (the 27th) and Bruce is still in Omaha with Zac and lots of our family. I go through the day trying to make sense of everything while entertaining lots of visitors. All the while never being able to hold or even see my baby. Friday night comes and Bruce calls. Zac is not doing well. All of our family goes to Omaha to be with him. I want to be there so bad. To hold, to touch, to smell, to just even see my precious baby. They set me up on Skype so I can at least see him. It is bitter sweet. Bits and pieces of sleep come while I wait for morning.
The phone rings and it is Bruce. Zac is not doing well. We have to make a decision as to go ahead with the heart surgery knowing it is VERY risky or loving on him while we take him off of the vent to peacefully rest in the arms of Jesus. We decide not to put him through anymore, it is time for God to make him whole. The next decision is to try and get him to Lincoln via ambulance to be with me or to keep him in Omaha. We decide that he would be more comfortable in Omaha, with most of our family there to hold him (some people where in Lincoln with me). We set up Skype again and I layed there in the ICU and watched as people got to hold and love on Zac. Oh how I wish I could have held him, just once. It was time, as we all cried, Dr. Griebe removed the tube that was keeping Zac alive and Zac peacefully went into the arms of Jesus. He was with us almost exactly 48hrs. It was hard to do but we were at peace with the decision. Dr. Griebe, the genetics Dr. and all of the nurses knew and comforted us that it was the best decision. Even if Zac would have made it through the heart surgery, he had many other problems. Genetic disorders, lung issue, most likely kidney and liver problems and that is probably just the begining.
Bruce brought Zac to Lincoln for me to hold him, to love on him even though he was already gone. Bruce and Dr. Griebe both have had a hard time with the fact that I never got to hold my precious baby. We made the right choice. I struggle sometimes with that too but I know that he was loved, I know that he knows how much I love him even though I wasn't there to be with him. Every mom wants to be there for their child.....
The night Zac passed away I was finally moved out of the ICU. I spent another day and a half in the hospital recovering. I was 1 day short of 6 total weeks in the hospital. The next days of planning for the funeral and dealing with grief seemed long. The nights even longer as I couldn't sleep. The burial and memorial service were beautiful. Such a tribute to Zac and what God did in his short time on earth. (More on that later)
We will always remember Zac. We have gone through a lot over the last 6 months and the only thing that we would change would be that Zac would be here now with us. We are glad we didn't know about the genetic issues before, or all of the other things because we have no regrets. We did everything in our power for Zac and would do it all over again for him. We rest in the faith that he is with Jesus, a healthy, dancing, boy and can't wait to see him again someday.
