I never knew that there could be so many feelings associated with one thing, person, or event. I have been wanting to put my feelings in writing for a while but for me, that isn't easy. Wether it is verbal, or in writing.
The only thing that I have regretted from this is all of the emotions and feelings and thought that I had early on in my pregnancy. When all of the "troubles" started and we were told that with the low fluid etc...the chance were very low of us having a "normal, healthy" baby. My first thought was I don't know if I can handle a baby that isn't "normal or relatively healthy". I am not a good enough mother to have our two others and have to care for another that could need LOTS of care, Dr. appts, therapy, etc.... To be honest, I didn't want a baby that could have multiple issues. I struggled with myself, with God. I knew that these thought weren't right, they weren't politically correct, or motherly correct, or any type of "correct". How could I have those feelings? How/why would anyone not love a child, no matter what?
I had felt during the whole pregnancy that something wasn't right. And I was having a hard time dealing with that. I didn't want to have to make any hard decisions. I didn't want to live my life trying to balance 2 healthy kids and their needs, a home, a marriage, AND a child with special needs (whatever they may be). Can you say selfish? Selfish to the core!
When I was told that I would be in the hospital for 6 weeks my heart sank. My thoughts raced about what were we going to do with Mia and Ty, who was going to clean, buy groceries, pay the bills, how was Bruce going to handle all of this while still working full time? Why me? Why me God? Why us? What are you trying to prove God? Probably again not the correct questions but the ones I had.
I was in the hospital just waiting. I spent many mornings in the shower crying, sobbing, crying out to God with why? Why am I going through this when the odds of us taking a baby home are almost none. God why don't you just end this now? Why didn't you end it earlier, it seemed like my body was trying everything it knew how to. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to go through all of this but as the days and weeks went on I started to have hope, hope that we would be bringing a baby home. No one thought I would even make it to the point of being put in the hospital so...
I really thought that with all of the emotions and thoughts that I had that I would have more to write but I don't. I didn't want to go through any of this. I didn't want a baby with special needs. I wanted my "normal" life back.
I am ashamed that I ever thought I didn't want a baby with special needs. I learned so much during this whole process. I learned how selfish I really am. I learned how precious life really is and that we can't take it for granted. I learned that my feelings were ok. I brought them to God and he met me where I was. He knew. He knew my thoughts and still loved me. He is helping me with the only thing I regret about Zac's life; knowing that at one time I thought I didn't want him and now I don't have him and want him desperately.
I also have to deal with the feelings and emotions of knowing that the chromosome issue, the trans location of 2 and 20 came from me. I am the carrier of this. And knowing that Mia and Ty could also be carriers and have to deal with something like this when they have their own children is hard. I have enough medical background to know that there is nothing we could have done differently. And it is even somewhat amazing that there are even "normal healthy" people in the world today with all of the splitting and joining that cells do. The only explanation is God!!
God did not punish me by taking Zac to be in heaven with him. He has given us comfort knowing that Zac is healthy, happy, and although I am sure he would love to be with us and to be with his brother and sister, he wouldn't come back. Not to this corrupt earth when he has experienced the joy of heaven.
